Ultrasound Eve

Tomorrow is the day...our first ultrasound. I will be 6w6d. To say I'm freaked out is a bit of an understatement.  This two week wait has been brutal.  I just want to see a heartbeat and know everything is okay.  

This is where we found out we lost our first pregnancy. We never got to hear that lovely sound.  

I talked about this with my therapist yesterday, and we discussed how this pregnancy is already so different from last time.  Last time I spotted nearly non-stop.  This time I've been blessed with no spotting (knock on wood).  Last pregnancy my numbers were low.  This pregnancy they are very high.  Last pregnancy I just knew something was wrong.  This pregnancy really feels like we are going to have a baby in June.  For real.  

But this does not dull the fact that tomorrow I will walk into the same ultrasound room where two years ago at exactly 7 weeks we cried tears of sadness over our impending loss.  It's going to be hard and emotional.  But I truly believe that tomorrow we will cry tears of joy over whats to come.  My therapist told me I need to acknowledge the difficult thoughts and emotions, but be in the moment.  I'm going to try my hardest.  

I have no doubt that things are cooking down there.  So far for symptoms:

• Unbelievably sore and large breasts with big blue veins popping out.  Sometimes I look down and am shocked thinking "who's boobs are these"?  As someone who has never been well endowed, I'm enjoying the extra oomph!  
• Exhausted....as in I want to take a nap at my desk most days.  I'm generally in bed shortly after my 9 p.m. PIO shot, but my body seems to think I need to be wide awake again at 4, after peeing several times during the night.
• Bloating.  By the end of the day my pants feel tight.  One of my coworkers asked me yesterday if I was losing weight.  Ummmm, nope -- did you notice the tight pants?  Thank goodness for fall/winter clothing that I can camouflage my belly with.
• Nausea.  I'll take nausea when I wake up for $200 Alec.  Oh wait, morning sickness isn't just in the morning?  I haven't thrown up yet, but have been awfully close and have definitely wished I had so I would feel better.  I find I can't eat a lot at a time and some foods are just off limits.  

While these symptoms are annoying at times, I would not change them for anything because they help me know that something is happening down there, in my tummy.  I haven't had some of the usual early symptoms like peeing all the time & constipation (thanks to my daily probiotic).  

I'm working with the fabulous Suzy from Not a Fertile Myrtle to set up a new blog to keep all of my pregnancy info and share it with family and friends.  More details on that to come.  If anyone has a great idea for a new pregnancy blog name, I'm open to ideas.  My creativity is lacking these days!

Thank you ladies for all of your congratulations and words of encouragement!

Award

Thanks to Amanda for nominating me for the Liebster Award.  If you haven't already, go visit her blog and wish her lots of luck as she begins stims for IVF#2.  

The Liebster Blog Award is given to up and coming bloggers with less than 200 followers, and nominated by fellow bloggers. Liebster is a German word meaning sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcome. Better yet, to me it means “happy.”

So what do I do? Basically, I have a series of questions that I have to answer from the person that nominated me (I believe there’s a total of 11), and then in turn I have to nominate 11 others to continue on with the tradition. 

So here's the questions Amanda challenged me with:

1) If you were a pickle in a jar, where would you want to be and why? I would be a dill pickle not in the middle and not on the side of the jar, but snuggly in between.  

2) What is your favorite holiday?  I love both Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We celebrate one of our niece's birthdays over Thanksgiving and I love the huge amounts of family time for Christmas.

3) If you have a bucket list, what is the most ridiculous thing on it?  I don't have a bucket list. :-(

4) If you could only watch one disney movie for the rest of your life, which one would it be and why?  I'm not a big Disney fan, but I would have to say Beauty and the Beast -- I'm a sucker for love stories!

5) What is your favorite nursery rhyme? This Little Piggy -- who doesn't love the "wee wee wee all the way home"?

6) Do you have any pets? If no, why not?  We have a cat who looks like Garfield and acts like a dog.

7) Is your current hair color your natural hair color?  Not really, but it's grown out enough that the roots are seriously showing and the gray is coming in (why does it always come in on my part?).  But, since I'm in my first trimester, there will be no coloring anytime soon!

8) What do you like to do in your spare time?  Read, walk, spend time with family and friends, sleep

9) If you could be any crayon color, which would you choose to be? Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown because I like the name!

10) What is the furthest you have been away from home and where was it?  Australia -- as a foreign exchange student in high school

11) How old were you when you got your first cell phone? I was a senior in college, so about 21.  It was a HUGE purple flip phone.  

Here's who I'm tagging (All awesome women and awesome blogs!):

Augusta @ All In One Basket

Mel @ Believe in Miracles

Hattie @ Between the Sheets

Cheryl @ Cheryl Looking Forward

Suzanna @ Desire to Mother

Kristen @ Keeping the Faith

Rebecca @ Life of an Army Wife

Kristina @ It's My Life

MN @ MN's Adventures After 40

Ali @ Not All Dreams are Free

L @ Tiny Bits of Hope

Here's your questions ladies:

1.  If you had a day all to yourself, with nothing to do, how would you spend it?

2. Are you left handed or right handed?

3.  What is your favorite time of day?  Why?

4.  What is your favorite color?

5.  If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you choose?

6.  What was the last thing you ate?

7.  What is your favorite drink (alcoholic or not)?

8.  What book could you read over and over again?

9.  What is your best feature?

10.  What was the best Halloween costume you had as a kid?

11.  What do you normally eat for breakfast?

The Results Are In...Beta News

I went in for my beta on Monday -- which was 12dp5dt or 17dpo.  I had been really calm through this whole process (very unlike me) until Sunday when I started to get  nervous about the blood test results.  We had decided we wouldn't test at home beforehand and the suspense was really getting to me.  I was feeling symptoms, but knew those could be caused by the progester.one.  I was actually a bit sad on Sunday night as my hubby gave me my progester.one shot as I kept thinking "what if this is the last one?"

Because of work commitments I couldn't go to the clinic until 10:30 for the blood draw. I was physically shaking by the time I got to the office.  I dressed in purple (for June baby -- my stepmom told me she was wearing purple Monday too!)  There was a bit of a wait as they were very busy, but I finally got in for the draw.  The phlebotomist asked me if I had a "lucky arm".  Um, no, just choose the one that is going to be the easiest and least painful.  I gave her my phone number and she told me Dr. C would call with the results before lunch.  I texted hubby and the waiting began.

Around 11:15 my cell phone rang and my stomach dropped. I contemplated living in denial and not answering it, but I answered and it was Dr. C on the line.  I had googled to see what a good hcg number was on 17dpo and found that it should be above 250.  Dr. C told me my hcg was 1200+ and to come back on Wednesday for a repeat draw.  I pretty much lost it then and am quite sure I told him I loved him.  Yeah, not sure I'm going to be able to face him again!  I asked about my progesterone level and he said he didn't have the number as it wasn't back yet.  He congratulated me and we hung up.  I called hubby right away and shared the news.  I told him that on 17dpo of my last pregnancy, my hcg level was 100, so 1200+ was pretty fantastic!

I decided then that I needed to buy things to pee on, but waited until after work to do so.

I went back on Wednesday and after an agonizing blood draw (apparently the vein in my left arm has decided to start rolling the last two times I've had blood drawn from it), headed back to work for another wait.  The phlebotomist apologized over and over for having to dig for the vein, but I told her I was so happy she could do just about anything to me and I wouldn't complain.  The call came from Dr. C while I was on my way to lunch with some co-workers (I was driving) so I couldn't right the hcg number down, but he told me it was 2300+ which made me happy.  It also made me happy he told me the next step is ultrasound in about 2 weeks (yay -- no more blood draws).  I had asked the lab tech when I was there what my progesterone was on Monday and she said it was above 80 (apparently they stop quantifying it at 80).

I've continued to confirm the pregnancy at home and I can tell you there is no better vision than to see the pregnant line come up BEFORE the control line and to see the word "pregnant" staring back at you.  It honestly feels surreal! I had a rough day at work today (it's been a very busy and long week) and tonight I came home and took a test just because I could.  "Hello, my name is JJ, and I am addicted to peeing on sticks."

We are cautiously optimistic about this.  I feel really great about the numbers, but know we have a long way to go.  I think for both of us to feel secure, we need to make it past the 7 week mark as that is when the miscarriage happened 2 years ago.  I know it is going to be very difficult for me to go into the ultrasound room in two weeks.

I'm feeling pretty good, a little nausea here and there, sore breasts, slight headache, some cramping/pulling and totally exhausted (as in going to bed by 9:30 every night after my PIO injection and sometimes napping before that).

I know this news can be difficult to hear when you are trying so hard to get pregnant, so I am considering creating a new  blog where I will write about the pregnancy and keeping this blog to still talk about the emotions of the whole fertility journey.  I would like to have a blog that IRL family and friends can follow eventually, without being privy to the whole "back story" that is included on this blog. We'll see.

Today I am 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant -- eeks!

October 15 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Tonight I take a break away from the excitement around this IVF cycle, to remember my butterfly born on October 7, 2010 at 7 weeks.  I was soooooooooo thrilled to find out I was pregnant after nearly 4 years of trying -- and on a natural cycle of all things.  My beta tripled in 48 hours and we were on cloud 9.  I spotted throughout the time I knew I was pregnant, and something in the back of my mind told me something was wrong, but my doctor convinced me it was completely normal.  On October 6, I remember leaving a meeting at work and thinking something didn't feel right, it felt like something shifted in my belly.  That night I started having heavy spotting and the next morning an ultrasound confirmed I was miscarrying.  We were devastated.  I will never forget the time I was pregnant, nor the miscarriage experience -- I remember it all in vivid detail.  I will never be the same as I was before my butterfly.

This community is full of ups and downs, happiness and sadness, BFPs and BFNs, and sadly, the loss of pregnancies and children.  Tonight I think of all of you who have angels in heaven.  It's a club noone wants to be a part of, but one that brings us closer together, even though we've never met face-to-face.

Tonight I am so thankful I found this community of wonderful, strong and supportive women.  

Tale of a Transfer and 9dp5dt

I can't believe my transfer was already 9 days ago and I haven't written about it.  Have I mentioned I'm exhausted?  I went to bed at 7:00 last night, got up to do my pio injection and then went back to bed.  The only thing keeping me up right now is that I have to give myself my pio injection (hubby is in class) in an hour.

Anyway, on to the transfer story...

Hubby had to be out of town on Wednesday (he's the only one who does his job so didn't have much of an option).  So we decided to call my parents to tell them what we were doing (they didn't know) and to ask for their help.  My dad told me they would cancel any plans they had and drop everything to help out (how cute is that?).  I asked my step-mom to take me and I immediately got a text from her saying she was 'honored, excited and so happy'.

Wednesday morning I woke up and ran a couple of errands before heading to acupuncture at 10:30 a.m.  Around 11:15 I arrived at my parents house.  My dad met me in the driveway and gave me a big hug and told me how excited he was.  When I walked into the house, my step-mom was wearing a purple shirt and commented on my purple shirt -- saying purple means June babies!  Apparently she had been doing her research!  I took my Valium and started drinking water.

We got to the clinic a little before noon and my favorite nurse called me back.  I got changed into the gown, footies and hair guard, and my step-mom got changed into scrubs, footies and hair guard.  At this point, my bladder was really full, so Katie, the nurse, told me to find a happy medium as the doc hadn't arrived back from surgery yet, so there would be a wait.  I was able to relieve myself a little bit and headed back to the transfer room.  My step-mom and I sat and chatted for about 20 minutes until Dr C. arrived.  During this time Katie also gave my step-mom the list of instructions/restrictions for the 2ww, so my step-mom read them to me.  I read the list later and giggled a little  when I realized she had skipped some of the instructions -- like no sex during the 2ww.

Dr. C came in and told me we would be transferring one "perfect" embryo and I asked if that was the only one that survived to day 5.  He said yes, but that it was perfect so he had a good feeling.  He gave me a picture and we were off.  Before I knew it, Katie was showing us the ultrasound monitor and where the embryo was being placed.  She printed out a picture for me to keep of the placement.  And yes, my bladder was REALLY full according to the ultrasound!  I had to lay there for another 30 minutes, and then we were allowed to change and leave.

My parents had decided it would be a good idea for me to spend the night at their house, since hubby wouldn't be home until Thursday night.  I was hesitant, as I think the last time I stayed overnight with my parents was when I was in college!  It was great though -- I really didn't lift a finger to do anything for all of Wednesday and Thursday morning.  My step-mom had even gotten me some chicken noodle soup from Costco -- so I would have comfort food.  (If you live near a Costco, you MUST try this soup)

Late Thursday morning they brought me home and I continued on strict bed rest until 10:00 Friday morning when I had another acupuncture appointment.  The rest of Friday I laid low and hung out on the couch as much as possible.

It was great to be home, and even better to have hubby home late Thursday afternoon.  My cat was pretty pissed off at my during my time at home.  He loves it when I lay on the couch and he lays on my chest/stomach.  I wouldn't let him do that of course, and so he refused to lay anywhere but at my feet -- he was NOT going to cuddle next to me.  Luckily he has warmed up a bit since then, but still lets me know often how unhappy he is.  Sorry kitty, but you are 16 pounds and I've got precious cargo in my ute.

I am so thankful for my parents and how wonderfully supportive they have been through this process.  My dad and step-mom didn't get married until I was in college, so she and I have never been super close.  It meant so much to me that she was able and willing to be a part of this process with me and if this results in a grandbaby, their relationship will be so very special!  I'm not going to lie -- I have really missed my mom so much the last 6 years during our infertility struggles.  It was really nice to have these special moments with my step-mom.

Beta is early next week.  I'm feeling remarkably calm, although I can feel the anxiety creeping in.  Symptoms come and go, and I really feel like it could go either way.  Honestly, I have tried not to picture anything other than it working as an option.  There have been many BFPs among the bloggers I follow, and I am hoping to add myself to that rank as well.

Thanks again for all of your thoughts, prayers, and positive vibes!  They are all very much appreciated!

4dp5dt

I plan to still write about the transfer story, but honestly, don't have it in me tonight.  After 2 days of strict bed rest and 1 day of taking it very easy, hubby and I went out of town for the weekend.  We went to a town about 2.5 hours from home and did some sightseeing of Frank Lloyd Wright houses in the area and stayed at a lovely refurbished FLW hotel.  Today we met up with the rest of his family for our niece's birthday party.  We always go to a one day only pumpkin patch which was fun as always.  I thought it wise to skip the hay rack ride this year!

So here's a random rundown of where I'm at...

• Right now I am feeling very calm during this 2ww.  My beta is still a week away but I am not anxious at all.  I'm sure that will come as the week goes on.  But for now, I feel peace.
• I will not be testing at home before the beta.  When my beta is positive I will pee on all sorts of things.
• I've actually lost weight during this process.  Not a lot, but a few pounds.  My appetite has been weird.  From retrieval to transfer my stomach was quite upset and especially meat just had no appeal. I'm feeling better now, but am trying to feed my body healthy, whole foods as much as possible.  Yes, I have eaten lots of pineapple (as well as the core) and am trying to eat an avocado every day/every other day.
• My boobs are so sore -- SO SORE! I'm not sure I'm going to be able to sleep on my stomach much longer.
• I gave myself a pio injection in the car at the drive-in movie theater on Friday night.  Hubby, who was sitting next to me, asked me when we got home if we needed to do my shot.  When I told him I had already done it, he hadn't had a clue!  
• As of today I am 100% exhausted.  We got home about 5:30, I laid down and slept for about an hour, and I am STILL exhausted.  
• I feel like I am peeing all of the time!  I'm trying to stay well hydrated. I would, however, just about do anything for a Diet Mt. Dew right now.  
• I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow after having 3 days off last week.  Ugh...
• My cat is very pissed at me because I won't let him lay on my stomach/chest.  It's one of our rituals at night -- I lay down on the couch and he comes and lays with me.  Until Friday he was so mad at me he refused to lay anywhere but at my feet.  Friday he finally came around and cuddled up next to me.  Sorry kitty!
• I do have to say that every time I sneeze, cough, blow my nose or even go to the bathroom, I have visions of our embryo being pushed out.  I know that's impossible, but still hard to not think about.  
• I've got a runny/stuffed up nose which stinks.  Luckily nothing else...hoping it stays that way.  We had a 40 degree drop in temperature from Wednesday to Saturday so I'm hoping it is just from that and will go away very soon!  Loading up on the Vitamin C!
• I'm feeling lots of twinges and pulls, especially on the left side of my stomach.  The left ovary was the overachiever, and based on where she put the ultrasound wand during transfer, I think my uterus is located more on the left side as well.  These twinges make me happy.  
• I'm on twitter!  You can find me at jjs_journey.  If you are on twitter, let me know how to find you!  
• I found this interesting chart of what happens every day post 5 day transfer... http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer

5-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

I've been a bad commenter lately and am working on catching up.  

Thanks again for all of the well wishes and positive thoughts and prayers!

I am PUPO

This will be short as I'm not on a computer, but we transferred one "perfect" embryo today.  Those were the doctor's words.  In the picture they gave me it appears to be beginning to hatch.   They even gave me a picture of my uterus with the embryo in it.  We do not have any to freeze.  

Thanks again for all of your support, thoughts, and prayers!

I Can Hardly Sit Still!

By this time tomorrow I will be PUPO!  Tonight I had a massage to help me relax (I'm a very type A personality).  My transfer is at noon, so tomorrow morning, I'm just going to do some little things to keep myself busy -- go to the chiropractor, maybe get an oil change, go to acupuncture, and then settle down with a nice little Valium.  I have tomorrow and Thursday off of work, and then am scheduled to work from home on Friday, though I may decide to take a PTO day instead.

Thanks ladies for all of your love and good wishes!  Between the egg retrieval and now has been a bit tougher than I anticipated.  I got very bloated and sore, and now I am having a spasm in my back.  And my tummy has just generally been icky feeling.  I also haven't heard anything about our embies since Saturday, and I just wonder how they are doing.  I guess I will know soon enough.  (Yes, we do know how many fertilized, but since we haven't had an update, I'm going to wait until tomorrow to talk more about that).

I thought hubby was going to cry on Saturday night when he gave me my first PIO injection.  He did a great job and it really didn't hurt at the time, though it was sore afterwards.

More tomorrow!